Be young and shut up

A blog about student activism.

PCOS and me

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Trigger warning for body issues relating to gender

So my body has gone all wrong.

It started when I was fifteen and doing my GCSEs. It was a stressful time for a number of reasons, and I ended up having a period that lasted for six weeks.

After that they became sort of normal again, by ‘sort of normal’ I mean heavy, lasting for seven WHOLE days and happening every three weeks. And then, from the age of about seventeen, the whole six-week-period bullshit started again, I even had one that lasted EIGHT WEEKS.

My moods were grim, I had bad ‘PMS’ (if you can call it PMS when you don’t actually menstruate you just BLEED) and shouted at people regularly.

This array of various forms of bullshit went on for FOUR WHOLE YEARS because every doctor I saw said that it was because my periods were ‘settling’ and they would become normal. But they started when I was eleven and still at primary school, and by the age of nineteen they were *still* fucked.

I got anaemia from all the bleeding and had to take pills. Eventually I got referred to a specialist who did an ultrasound and other tests and told me I had Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome – they were actually checking for endometriosis I think, which I’m lucky not to have as the symptoms are often way more severe. But yeah – WEIRDEST PCOS SYMPTOMS EVER. Instead of not getting periods, I was getting periods all the fucking time.

PCOS occurs because one has an imbalance of hormones, usually ‘too much’ testosterone, leading to periods being very irregular/stopping altogether and fertility problems. It can also cause other symptoms including pain and loads of body hair.

I don’t get that much body hair but I get PAIN, so much PAIN, hormones that are absolutely up the wall, periods that can start at any time.THEY HAVE STARTED DURING SEX SEVERAL TIMES. IT IS FUCKING EMBARRASSING. There is nothing wrong with period sex, at all, like seriously guys GO FOR IT. But if you’ve not had that discussion and it just happens mid-way through, then, oh dear Lord.

Although usually, ie when I’m not too lazy, busy or stupid to go to the doctor’s, I am on a particular contraceptive Pill which has the right balance of hormones to pretty much sort me out periods-wise but not always otherwise. It’s Gedarel. But I’ve also tried Microgynon and a couple of others.) When I am not on Gedarel, or on a different pill that fucks me up, I can get incredibly bad thrush, so bad sitting down hurts, worse pain. Cystitis that makes me cry with agony.  Ending up in hospital with a fucking kidney infection was a lowlight.

I’m now 24 and old enough to know way better but I recently stopped taking my pill because I haven’t had time to register with or go to the doctor’s.

I am basically living on borrowed time until I go through some horrific experience again.

The other thing about PCOS is that I feel WEIRD about being so infertile. I could potentially get pregnant if I went on a load of hormones. But it’s really taboo, I think, to be nineteen and infertile. Or to be twenty four and infertile.

I don’t even know if I want kids. I’ve never envisaged myself having children and the thought of pregnancy fucking terrifies me, let alone childbirth – it sounds like some sort of dreadful nightmare. Let alone looking after a crying tiny thing that cannot do anything for itself. CHRIST. I can barely look after me.

I am lucky in that I will probably never have to have an abortion. I vehemently defend the right to choose but it doesn’t necessarily affect me the same way.

But the fact it is, it will always be an ‘issue’. It’s a thing to be dealt with, it’s an awkward subject, more awkward even than the fact that I likely don’t even want children anyway. But I would at least like the choice.

I feel really unfeminine. Really un-womanly. It’s really upsetting that this has happened to me, that I have had so many complications relating to it. That a lot of those complications are things you are not supposed to talk about, ie cunt problems, ovary problems, Aunt Flo problems and (whisper it) fertility problems. THINGS  WE DO NOT MENTION.

Illnesses that make me feel ‘dirty’. I have a really high sex drive for whatever reason and yet have been parred so many times by my own fucking body from enjoying fulfilling sex.

So yeah. Make me get my prescriptions renewed, because for fuck’s sake, I do not want one of those eight week periods again.

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Written by CakeCakeCakeCakeCake

February 25, 2013 at 9:30 pm

Posted in Uncategorized

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