How not to be a patriarchal arsehole

I feel really sad writing this but I think it needs to be said.

I’ve been hearing about the frankly disturbing behaviour of some people involved in Occupy Glasgow, I felt compelled to write something that might be useful for people to read regarding appropriate ways in which men and generally those with privilege, power or physical dominance can engage in supporting people who don’t have those things.

I know that I’m not without fault or privilege, and if I say anything shit please tell me.

I’ve written about my experiences with men who use their privilege to be violent and coercive here.

The first thing that I want to say is something I’ve said repeatedly. Growing up as a girl is shit. Living as a woman – especially living your life in the way you want, and letting nothing stop you – is really hard. You get hassle on an almost-daily basis. Feminism is not only about equal pay, political representation and voting rights – it’s also about not having the right to not being violated and intruded upon all the time.

This is how to stop your privilege getting in the way – basically, how to not be an arsehole.

1. If you’re aware that you don’t know what it’s like to be marginalised because of your gender, try observing how people act around those who are. People treat women fundamentally differently from the way they treat men. Once you start noticing it, you won’t be able to believe how you didn’t notice it before. It changes your life.
2. Read up. It’s not feminists’ jobs to explain everything… bell hooks, Simone De Beauvoir, Mary Wollstonecraft, Judith Butler, Kate Millett, Germaine Greer, Betty Dodson, Alice Walker, Sojourner Truth … the list goes on. I’d recommend reading a variety of stuff as well. Liberal feminism can be very classist and boring, radical feminism can be gender essentialist and transphobic, queer feminism can be a bit vague and highly theoretical (I personally love it though). All very much worth reading though.
3. The most important thing to do when someone has been raped or assaulted is to believe her/them. This is something that some people involved in Occupy Glasgow have struggled with – saying that it’s a conspiracy to bring down the left, that the rape is only ‘alleged’. This is NOT FUCKING OKAY. More than comforting someone, more even than being there for them, believing them is THE most important thing to do. 4% of reported rapes in Scotland result in convictions. If you don’t believe someone you’re adding to it. And being a massive arsehole. Obviously the odd person might lie about things, but think about it – why would the vast majority of people lie about it? What exactly do they get out of it? They could easily get victimised further, or have to go through so much bureaucracy and re-living of their experiences just to bring whichever bastard it is to court and get them put away so they’re not a danger to other women. For fuck’s sake believe us.
4. Don’t assume how a woman/person is feeling or should be feeling. Rape has not ruined my entire life. Many people get on with their lives. Conversely, it can be difficult to function for days, weeks, months, years. There is not one acceptable reaction. Saying things like, ‘you must be feeling dreadful’ isn’t always helpful as it might make someone feel like they’re weird for not feeling dreadful. ‘I’m so sorry’ and/or a hug will do. We don’t have to feel dirty either. I find people telling me I’m fabulous more effective than anything else.
5. If you’re a man, try to be aware of the fact that people might pay more attention to your ideas because of your gender. I’ve been in rooms where a woman has suggested an idea and it’s been ignored, and as soon as a man suggests it everyone takes notice. Also, just try to take notice of underprivileged people’s ideas.
6. Don’t mansplain. Typical examples of this are things like, ‘I’m sorry you felt offended but what I was saying wasn’t offensive.’ ‘This hasn’t got anything to do with the thing I’m talking about.’ If someone tells you you’re doing this you probably are.
7. Meetings concerning something terrible in a person’s life where that person isn’t leading the meeting, or isn’t even present are bullshit. Don’t do that. It’s a violation of a woman’s autonomy.
8. On that subject, alongside rape, assault, street harassment and threatening behaviour, the following things can also be violating and triggering: denying a woman’s experience, denying her right to be the person to talk about it, making assumptions about her, calling women ‘girls’, talking over women, giving bullshit advice, making judgments on the decisions women take regarding whether to file a police report/make what happened public…. and last but not least, saying or implying that it could have been worse (and therefore she should just get over it).
9. Sometimes you’ll need to take a back seat in meetings. It’s not your role to steer feminism. Obviously if you have an idea that’s useful, go for it, but fundamentally feminism exists for women, not men.
10. Some people prefer it when men call themselves pro-feminists, rather than feminists.
11. Don’t be leery, lecherous, dismissive, minimising, or trivialising. Instead, try reading, reflecting, considering, listening and then acting.